The Secret to Getting Laid (Without Losing Your Soul)
The Secret to
Getting Laid (Without Losing Your Soul)
Modern dating has a number of
benefits. Changing social mores mean that sex and dating are less complicated
and more accessible than at any point in history. The advent of the Internet
and the subsequent development of smartphones mean that finding people you’re
interested in is easier than ever. Even simply wanting to get laid has become
easier with apps like Tinder making finding someone who’s explicitly down to
fuck a literal push-button exercise.
But while accessibility and
availability may be easier… the process of actually getting sex
can feel more complicated than ever. If you’re an even half-way decent guy, it
can feel like wanting sex or trying to get it makes you awful by definition.
After all, most of the modern examples of men trying to get laid tend to
revolve around toxic environments and behaviors. Pop culture is rife with
characters – including protagonists – who will cheerfully resort to any amount
of shitty behavior in order to get laid. Even in real life, we only
have to look to pick-up artists and their misogynistically
frustrated evolved form, the Red Pill,1 selling
social pressure and psychological trickery as the means to the end.
At the same time, we can go on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook
and see
women sharing stories about men who used unpleasant or even threatening actions
in an attempt to get into their pants.
And then
there’re the guys who just leap straight to the “Diiiick?” stage.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex, with wanting a casual
relationship without commitment or wanting to have multiple partners. The key
to getting more sex isn’t about secret techniques or trying
to convince, trick or compel women into sleeping with you. Sex
isn’t an antagonistic exercise of trying
to bargain down the “price”, it’s in understanding how
to connect with
people. If you want to learn about getting laid without losing your soul in the
process, you have to understand the mindset of a true seducer.
Understand People
If you want to make finding sex easier, start by focusing on
getting to know people.
Not just the people you want to fuck, but people in general. Study them, study
the culture and what makes them tick. Understanding others will help your sex
life skyrocket.
See, the first step to getting laid like a bandit has nothing to
do with sex appeal and everything to do with social intelligence. The greatest
seducers in the world aren’t all chiseled dreamboats of manflesh; in fact, some
of them were pretty ugly.
Well, unless
the Innsmouth Look does it for you.
Their gift wasn’t their looks, it was their brains. The best
seducers were people who understood other people. They
understood how people think, what signals they send and what signals to
send back.
As a result: while some people struggle with getting laid, they’re the ones
getting more strange ass than a dude with a stolen credit card at a mutant
donkey auction. It’s a skill that comes with time and study and practice, but
one that pays incredible dividends for your effort.
One of the first – and most important – parts of understanding
people is that a master seducer knows who to
look for. Part of why men who get laid the way others order lunch seem to do so
effortlessly is that they are strategic.
Rather than shotgunning their attention at every attractive woman in
sight, they
look for people who are looking for them.
After all: there will always be people who don’t like you, no matter how much
you may like them, and there’s no changing that. All you end up doing is
wasting time and energy that could be put to better use elsewhere. As a result,
master seducers aren’t beating their heads against the wall; they’re avoiding
the wall entirely.
Just as importantly, however, is that understanding people helps
you understand what you need
to create the situation you want. Women aren’t a monolith after all; what
intrigues one woman will repel another. Some women appreciate a more banter-y
approach to flirting, while others hate it.
There are women who like a direct, no bullshit approach and there are women who
prefer to be romanced. Understanding how to recognize what people respond best
to lets you change how you proceed. Reading people helps you avoid
attraction-killing landmines and helps you pull a great conversation out of a
nosedive.
A skilled seducer learns how to tell what mistakes are fatal and
what can be recovered from. If someone is annoyed at your approach, is it
because of you or
circumstances that have nothing to do with you? Are you able to verbally
steer into the skid and win them over, or is it better to bail? Can you
recover from a joke that bombed, while still being charming? If so, then you’re
able to pull victory from the jaws of otherwise certain defeat.
Being able to read people also helps you decide who you
invest your time with in the first place. After all, if you prefer a partner
who will engage you in wordplay à la Nick and Nora, then somebody who despises
that sort of verbal duel is a poor match for you. A kinkster isn’t going to be
happy with someone who prefers the soft-jazz-flowers-and-candles style of
lovemaking. Knowing how to read clues – or what questions to ask – can help you
spend your time more efficiently.
However, the most critical part of that understanding may well
be knowing that…
Getting Laid Is About How You
Make Her Feel
Part of what trips guys up when it comes to sex is that they
focus too much on… well, the sex. Much of the focus on getting laid is put on
the arousal process. This is why so many products, from books to shitty body
spray, focuses on the idea that “YOU WILL MAKE WOMEN SO HORNY THEY WILL RIP
YOUR CLOTHES OFF WITH THEIR TEETH”.
“Um, Melody,
I just asked about next week’s financial report.”
“Shut up and take your goddamn pants off before I destroy them.”
“Shut up and take your goddamn pants off before I destroy them.”
This is a lovely mental image and one upon which many bad
sex-comedies have relied. However, focusing on arousal misses a critical
question:
Why would she want to sleep with you?
Being horny doesn’t short-circuit one’s brain. The fact that
someone’s dying to get off doesn’t mean that they’re going to pounce on the
nearest warm body like a starving lioness in the veldt. Most of the time, it’s
less troublesome to head home and rub one out than it is to gamble on whether
Johnny Random is going to be able to get things done. After all, while
most guys are guaranteed to get off during sex, women aren’t. The
showerhead may not be much for cuddling afterwards, but at least she knows it’s
going to do the trick.
People who understand seduction understand this. This is why
they know that seduction is about how you make somebody feel, emotionally. Do
you make them feel special? Do you make them feel like the only person in the
world, like you get them in a way that nobody else
does? Are you able to connect with them on a level that makes them feel
validated and understood? Can you make them feel good?
This is why being
fun is so attractive, why humor is such an
aphrodisiac. Part of why women go crazy for musicians is because of how
music influences us. The way a Led Zeppelin riff can make our hearts beat in
time with the bass or how the right Bon Jovi song can make an entire generation
air guitar all at once is a reminder of the power that music has over the way
we feel… and that transfers to the people who make that music.
The fact that your presence makes people feel good means that
they’re going to want to spend more time with you. Can you make someone feel
excited? Can you make their pulse race in a way that they enjoy? Even if it’s
that you’re taking them on exciting dates, if the activity is what’s
making them sweat and their heart pound, they will still associate that arousal
with you.
Fun on a date
means fun later too.
But it’s not just about making her feel excited. Getting
laid is also
about making her feel comfortable and safe.
Do You Respect Her
Boundaries?
Here’s a bit of controversial advice: respecting someone’s
boundaries is one of the surest ways to get her to let you past them.
Stick with me for a second, it’ll all make sense.
It’s long been taken as gospel that women don’t like casual sex.
Whether it’s framed as women “need” love to feel sexual, trade sex for love, or just
don’t like sex, period, people have long rushed to dismiss the idea that women
like sex for sex’s sake as much as men do. Except… they do. The problem isn’t
that women don’t like sex, it’s that sex for women comes with dangers that
don’t exist for men. The potential rewards from a casual hook-up – pleasurable
sex – doesn’t outweigh the risks. It’s not just a matter of physical violence
either. The reason why many women choose not to have casual sex is, as Dr.
Terri Conley puts it: guys
tend fuck badly, then turn around and call their partners sluts afterwards.
(Remember that last part; we’re coming back to it).
On the other hand, when women feel safe – physically and
emotionally – they’re
much more likely to be interested in some no-strings fooling around.
“Oh sweetie,
I could break you in half.”
Noted sexologist Dr. Emily Nagowski’s “dual
control model of arousal” backs this up. Reducing
the reasons not to
have sex increases the likelihood of arousal. This is why men who understand
seduction understand that respecting a “no” can lead to a “yes” later on.
And that means actually respecting
that no. Many people treat a “no” as something negotiable, something
that needs to be overcome or worked around. The
PUA community, for example, would refer to ways of getting around what they
euphemistically called “last-minute resistance”. One common method was the
“freeze-out”, suddenly being cold and distant as a means of communicating your
disapproval. It was seen as a means of technically respecting
a no while changing her mind. In reality, it
leverages social pressure, pushing her into doing something she didn’t want to.
On the other hand, someone who respects a
“no” and waits for an unambiguous “yes” is
someone who demonstrates that they prioritize their partner’s safety and
comfort. After all, sleeping with someone is an act of deliberate
vulnerability. Knowing that you can open yourself up to somebody with the
assurance of your safety? Knowing that if you feel uncomfortable or change your
mind, you can call things to a halt? That can feel liberating… and
that, in turn, feels incredibly sexy.
Respecting somebody’s boundaries isn’t just about avoiding them
though; it’s about learning where they are in advance. Asking for consent
isn’t the sexual buzzkill that many people think. In fact, when done right, it
can heighten the sexual tension. A whispered “Do you like
this? Would you like me to do more?” can be unbelievably exciting.
Similarly, asking “what would you like me to do?” can be
powerful. By inviting her to direct your actions, you ask her to collude with
her own seduction. Feeling like she’s working with you flips the all-too-common
script. It feels less like “overcoming” someone’s reluctance and more like two
people working together to unleash mutual passion and desire.
However, there’s more to it than just not losing your shit when
someone is cool with making out but not taking things further…
Do You Respect Her?
One of the biggest reasons why women choose not to sleep with
someone has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with attitude. Almost
every sexually active woman has a story of the Crouching Charmer, Hidden
Asshole. He’s the guy who seems pleasant enough at first but lets his asshat
flag fly at the first available opportunity. Sometimes the guy has managed to
maintain the charm up until the moment of getting off; as soon as the afterglow
starts to fade, he’s quick to call her a slut and a whore for… doing exactly
what he hoped for.
“The time it
takes waiting for my Lyft to get here is more fulfilling than those 5 minutes…”
Other times, they don’t make it so far as being able to say
“hello” before the toxicity of their attitude comes through. One of the things
that stands out about the Incel community, for example, is their
willingness to
call women whores and then wonder why nobody wants to sleep with them in
the same post.
Misogyny and slut-shaming in general are red flags to women,
especially if they’re looking to hook up. Besides the potential social damage
that men like that represent, they also represent a physical danger.
After all: guys who see women as walking Fleshlights are more likely to ignore
boundaries, push women for sex they don’t want and pull moves like stealthing.
Can’t imagine
why this dude has problems getting laid.
At the same time, however, the key isn’t to just mouth
feel-good, feminist-sounding aphorisms. Women aren’t stupid, and people aren’t
that good at acting. Your
true attitude is going to come out in virtually everything you do, from
your body language to the way you react the first time someone tells you “no”.
Trying to fake an open-minded, positive attitude will get found out fairly
quickly, because many, many guys
have tried it before you.
And that, in turn, will lead to getting shut down faster than a
Pornhub tab when your boss is walking up behind you.
The greatest seducers are people who have actual respect for
their partners, who see sex as a collaboration instead of an antagonistic
exercise. A genuine interest in your partner’s desires, in their comfort and
boundaries, is going to only increase their interest
in you.
Treating someone else’s sexuality with an open mind and positive attitude will
open up avenues of exploration. Feeling that your own
needs and interests are important to your partner leads to better sex. After
all, people would rather sleep with someone who is interested in mutual
pleasure, not just doing what it takes to get off.
Even if your partner is just for tonight.
Seduction Is A Dance, Not A
Race
The single biggest mistake men make – and one that master
seducers don’t – is that they are impatient. They treat sex as a goal to
achieve, instead of a natural extension of building a connection with someone.
Remember what I said earlier about focusing on sex –
arousal and attraction – being a mistake? That attitude sabotages any chances
they have of getting laid. They play the short game, looking to get laid
as quickly as possible. Sex is the alpha and omega, the only reason to be
involved.
Seduction, however, is a holistic experience.
Sex is a byproduct that comes naturally out of the entire process. Think of
seduction as a dance between partners. It has a rhythm and a pace that dictates
its flow. When both partners are working together in harmony, it’s a graceful,
even joyous, experience. It becomes an expression of the harmonious connection
between people.
Even when the
dictates of a particular dance means you can’t look like you’re enjoying it…
When the two people aren’t in synch… it’s jarring. It’s an
uncomfortable experience that leaves everyone wondering what the hell you think
you’re doing.
Some seductions proceed quickly, moving with the precision of a
Swiss watch. Some seductions may take time, requiring foresight, restraint and
patience. The willingness to wait can make all the difference.
In looking for immediate gratification, the average man cuts
themselves off from future opportunities.
Someone who isn’t interested tonight may
be the same person who’s going to tear your clothes off tomorrow. That is,
of course, if
you treat them right. Being able to recognize the difference between “not
interested” and “not just yet” is
important. After all, you may be going home alone tonight but that doesn’t mean
that you failed. The key to getting laid often means laying the foundation
first.
“Awww yeah,
mason jokes.”
Just as importantly, though, treating it as a dance builds
tension. Desire restrained is desire magnified; letting things build creates a
more powerful and pleasurable release at the end. Rushing, on the other hand,
betrays a lack of skill and impatience that hints at a lack of skill in other areas.
Every interaction, every seduction will
be different, just as every woman is different. Some will be fast. Some will be
almost agonizingly slow. Trying to hurry to the end means missing out on the
joy if the journey, the growing connection between the two of you. Taking each
as they come, giving each connection the respect and attention it deserves,
will make the burgeoning relationship incredible.
And in the process… you’ll find the sex you want. Without having
to sacrifice your dignity, goodness or soul in the process.
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